I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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