I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
