So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
