hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
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He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
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I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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