i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
