People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
