I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"