Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list