first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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