Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
party gras won. party gras always wins.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
