i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
