I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Randomize
