My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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