So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
