can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
