I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
