I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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