So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
