I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize