Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
people are starting to question the shark bite story
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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