Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
