You're earring is so big in my mouth
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
