Jerry, you need to find god
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
