my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
