i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
