I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
