there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
