Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
