Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
