I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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