She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
