my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
