So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
