I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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