I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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