Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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