I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
