Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize