If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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