happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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