Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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