all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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