Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
