Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.