There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome