You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?