I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
