She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
