glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
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