Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
