Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
