i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
