i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
