my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
