Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
