She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
