What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
