girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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