i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
