fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize